Games Season: Middle-Earth: Shadow of Mordor

   A lord of the rings game? Isn't that out about 10 years too late? I mean, there's the Hobbit films but does anyone care anywhere near as much for them as they did for the original trilogy? It's got Tim from the Office sure, but it's also a highly stretched out story based on a franchise that was hot the aforementioned 10 years ago. Maybe had they made 1 Hobbit film the year after the LOTR trilogy finished then it could've been successful but surely they've left it too late now? Sure, I've seen both of them but they were pretty meh, I wouldn't have missed much had I not seen them. Also, the dragon had a stupid voice.
   That's what I thought when I heard of a LOTR based game coming out, but to be fair to it, not only are the Middle-Earthy bits of it pretty light (only really showing Gollum and the creation of the rings of power) but the game is also amazing. This will be quite tough for me obviously as I clearly much prefer to criticise and pick holes in things rather than praise them, but I'm gonna go for it anyway.
   It's kind of a cross between Assassin's Creed and the Arkham series but with more gore. It has great but simple combat mechanics and some good stealth too. There's plenty of (actually fun) side quests all of which can help make the main story easier not just by helping you gain more xp and hence more abilities but also taking out captains.
   So, what's a captain? Basically, each Uruk (more bad ass than regular orks apparently) unit is lead by a captain which is in a chain of command upwards right up to the war chiefs. Wipe out or control more captains and the war chiefs will be easier to take down as they will have less protection. It's not as complex as I may have made it sound but it's certainly something new. This adds a nice extra element to the game and more to do on the side than just regular side missions, which are fun anyway. There's 4 types of side mission, 1 relating to all your weapons, sword (melee), dagger (stealth) and crossbow (ranged) as well as slave freeing missions which are more of a choice of doing it your own way. What's more, I finished them all! I can't remember the last game I played where I finished all the side missions. There are also hunting and herb collecting side missions (which I didn't finish, after all, where the hell do your find a dire Caragor?) that help you boost your stats.
 

   As far as the main missions go there tends to be many ways to complete them without forcing you down any one path, which is always nice. For instance, attacking a base? Why not sneak around, take them all out one by one? Or you could let free some Caragors, brutalise some enemies and drop some flies then mop up the left overs. You could stand afar and take them out with the bow. Try going all swords blazing and chop those mothers to oblivion. Try branding (mind controlling) all the archers an let them loose to do most, if not all of the work for you. These are just some options (my preferred methods) but there are more to pick from. It's a game with a lot of choice and everything to do with it is fun and you get a nice sense of accomplishment when a mission goes exactly how you wanted it to. I love it when a plan comes together.
   Of course, as you level up, the powers become great for chopping through the hordes or sneaking around or whatever. The melee combat becomes easier and cooler, though it was always pretty satisfying anyway, countering,  slicing and chopping through, but when you're executing, blasting away, and taking over minds every few strikes it becomes a blast. They also help with the stealth, with abilities such as the afformentioned branding and going invisible making you even better than before.
   Now, time for my favourite bit, the negatives! Sometimes, stealth can be a bit dodgy. Most of the time as long as you're holding the crouch button you can walk right past an enemy without being spotted. Yet, using a shadow strike kill (sort of a teleport forward kill) always gets you spotted despite enemies not looking your way. There's also the question of Gollum (who always annoyed me in the films anyway) and what he is actually doing in the game as it's hinted that he'll be a large part of the game, but he isn't. The biggest tragedy of all though is the final 2 bosses which are so easy it's farcical. Additionally, the big twist at the end is kind of strange and Torvin (you) gets upset about something that I'm pretty sure no one that really exists would. These are not major issues though (well, the final boss thing kind of leaves a bitter taste in your mouth at the end but try and remember the good times, yeah?) and the game is still fantastic.

   It almost seems pointless now to say how good the game looks, maybe I should just point out when a game looks bad from now on. So, if you have ever liked the Assassin's creed series and/or the Arkham series (seems like everyone does the latter) plus loads of gore then, as a famous man once said; 'this is for you'.It may seem harsh comparing this to two other games rather than letting it stand alone, but it takes the best elements from both, adds some of it's own stuff and blends them together to make a stand out game. This is the one to beat so far this 'games season' 9/10.

Games Season: FIFA 15

   Or should that be IFAF 15? It should be England but that's a debate for another time. The latest installation of the EA sports giant hit the stores last week with it's crisper than ever graphics and Lionel Messi's face all up in your own, but the ultimate question is what changes have they made this year and how do they improve it? If I had to give a one word review it would be 'Dissapointing', 3 words 'A step backwards'. You can see where this is likely to go.
   There are 3 major things that are notable to me that have been changed (in the gameplay) this year. First is the most talked about; improved goalkeepers. Sure, this is great, it makes it harder to score and in online play makes for lower scoring games. However, offline against the AI it proves to be a nightmare. The opposition goalkeeper will pull off string of spectacular saves and prove unbeatable whereas your own 'man between the sticks' will concede about 2/3 of the shots against him. This, as you can imagine is infuriating. I'm well aware that football games down the years have made difficulties harder by seemingly just make it so that nearly every time the AI has a shot, they score, but never has it been made so hard to score yourself. I often wound up having 3 or 4 times as many shots as the AI opposition would against me in career mode and yet still wind up on the losing side due to this.
   Number 2 is the passing. What has happened here? It seems that about 1/4 passes just decide to go wherever the hell they want by their selves. Maybe this is a problem that only I seem to be finding, but it is so annoying. You've built a nice move forward, you're one pass away from playing in the breakaway attacker and oh, it goes to the right back. Or you're bringing it out of defence (not clearing it mind you, you're not Sam Allardyce), you try to play it across to the centre mid in acres, but instead it goes to your centre half, who has an opposition striker standing in front of him and all of a sudden you've given a goal away. This isn't the only problem with the passing though. They've also done what I like to think of as 'the PES trick' where they have simulated more difficulty when you start the new instalment by changing pass powers so now you have to hold the pass button down much longer than you would have in last years to make the same pass. It just seems like they put this in here to make it seem tougher when an experienced FIFA player first launches the new game.

   The third however is the worst and the online cardinal sin. Last year they did something amazing and made pace count for less and strength mean so much more. This put an end to the shower of arses who played online and played constant lobbed through-balls to their intentionally chosen fast strikers to run in and score.. You still got the odd few who tried it, but unless you weren't paying attention you could usually deal with it and romp to victory because these players didn't actually know how to play football and thought that was all you did (probably American (or Birmingham City fans...)). This year though it's back. They have reinstated the pace difference and once again you're dealing with having to lose online to inferior players who just hoof balls over the top and run in behind to score while you're trying to build nice team moves. Sure, you can counteract this in online seasons by not being top teams an hence not getting matched against teams full of fast strikers but in ultimate teams online? Forget about it. That's my favourite mode ruined then.
   And another thing, The commentary. It's a series of old lines from many FIFA's past (Rio Ferdinand is so quick...?) and talk of the World cup just gone. How old will that be come January? They'll need to use the window to transfer in some new lines. I normally play with the sound on for the first couple of months but after 4 days I already had it on mute listening to music. Plus, as an added bonus there seems to be a lot of issues with the game getting stuck, I've now twice had full time and not be able to do anything and the players just stand there and I've had to forfeit the match to get out of it, where's the patch?
   Something positive is needed I suppose. There is still a great depth of game modes (though that has been the case for years now anyway) and the smart online matchmaking with similar team and player levels matched up is far better done than anything you see anywhere else. Also, it's the first game (that I'm aware of) that has had Villa park in it since Actua Soccer 3 (let's play in the snow!). Gameplay wise though, they have blown it for me. Looks like it's back to Pro Evo for me this year. 4/10.

Games Season: Destiny

   Yes, it's that time of the year again, heading in to Christmas where everyone has to launch all of their games at once. That means to all of us gamers out their that's it's time to put a stop to working, eating and sleeping and play as fast as we can (that sounded dodgy).
   The first release is arguably the biggest too (or at least most marketed) in Destiny. Bungie split off from Microsoft and the Halo franchise that made them famous to do their own thing, which turned out to be a sci-fi FPS. Wait, what? Yes, they broke free of their Halo shackles and decided to stick on that same route, I suppose you could argue stick to what you do best but after having just had a long running franchise they have signed up to a 10 year deal with Activision to make Destiny in to a video game behemoth and to me it seems like they're retreading old ground.
   The marketing has been through the roof, you certainly can't fault Activision on that side because you can't turn your head without seeing and/or hearing something about Destiny (At least I can't seem to). They already have Call of Duty remember, one of the most successful video game series of all time (financially, game wise...) so they must want to take the FPS market over and corner it themselves. Of course COD won't require much marketing, just put an advert for the new game in the old one and people will get that, but Destiny is a new beast, Halo wasn't like COD where everyone and their dog plays, it was more of a gamers game series rather than the more casual style of COD. Maybe then they're trying to catch both sets of game buyers in 2 games then?
   Anyway, enough of this random speculation, let's get to the meat and potatoes of it, the game. So, as well as being an FPS it's also supposed to have RPG and MMO (look these up yourselves if you don't know what they mean) elements but for me this turned out to be a disappointment. I'd be the last player to get in to an MMO, but coming in knowing there were light elements of it was cool, but they turned out to be so light that I have to question if it's worth having it in there at all. Basically, while you're strolling around the maps doing missions or whatever you'll see a handful of other players going around doing their own thing. But that's it really, it's not like people are just going to start randomly teaming up with others and leaving whatever they were doing, people (gamers especially) aren't like that, everyone secretly hates each other and hidden behind the mask of a controller and screen you can bring this to your forefront (or is that just me?). To assume that people would do this seems crazy to me, you're not going to be getting people who played WoW or such to jump over to this, it's just going to be console gamers and Halo fans. The MMO factor also means that you can't pause the game, even if you're playing a story mission alone and for someone who drinks literally dozens of cups of tea a day (really literally) this is extremely annoying as I have to wait to finish a mission before I can make another (or y'know, if you need the loo/ get an important phone call/ someones at the door/ a million other better reasons to pause a game over wanting cups of tea).
 

   As for the RPG elements I'm pretty disappointed there too. Don't get me wrong I wasn't expecting Oblivion or Fallout levels of RPG-ish-ness but I was expecting something along the lines of Borderlands, and this is a long way off that. So, in Borderlands it's all about crazy loot drops, if you have had the same anything equipped for more than 1 mission you'd be insane, enemies drop loot, there's loot chests everywhere and sellers everywhere. In Destiny though, about 1 in 100 enemies drop something, and normally this stuff isn't even good enough for when you're level 15 (the level cap is 30 BTW), there are just a handful of loot chests around, all trading is done in 1 area and the main way to get better weapons and armour are to even pull off difficult co-op missions or strikes (or go them alone if you're nuts (I wouldn't recommend that)) as well a going to the Crucible and doing some PvP (we have to call it 'PvP as it's an MMO rather than just 'online multiplayer' or 'shoot the scum').
   So, the crucible is pretty disappointing too with only 4 game modes and a handful of maps, I'm sure more will come on the future as Bungie are heavily supporting this game post release  but right now it's frustrating. There also seems to be a huge advantage to the people playing with better weapons as they'll kill you in seconds where you seem to need considerably longer to do so. Now, I remember this argument happening about COD long ago (probably still does) but personally I never found that. Not that I wish to toot my own horn but I'm pretty good at FPS' and I managed to do better than most very highly rated players on COD on line due to stealth tactics and smart thinking as the knife kills and mines, grenades etc. would be one shot kills, but they're not on Destiny and furthermore all enemies show up on the radar at all time so it's not like you can be stealthy, it's either snipe or charge in.
   The story as well, oh dear. They have set up a good lore here but the game never does more than scratch the surface of this and if you want to know more you have to collect Grimoire cards, go to the Bungie website, sign up and read dozens of small paragraphs on cards to get the story. They barely tell you any of this plot backstory throughout the course of the game and they've got Peter Dinklage, Lance Reddick, Bill Nighy, Gina Torres and more doing voice overs for this game! If they wanted it to be more of a multiplayer, non-story experience why bother having more than a 1 minute start cut scene and just a couple of small time charlies in the voice recording booth.? With a cast like this though they have got to do more with them.

With all this criticism why play it at all then? I'll tell you. The game play is damn well phenomenal. Bungie knocks this one out of the park, using the experience from years of Halo and adding a bit of that iron sights current day style that's popular these days they have created something really special. Killing enemies is just so much fun. There's plenty of different types of weapons to choose from and you can carry dozens at a time so you're prepared for anything and they're all great. Whether you're pulling off a head shot with a sniper rifle from miles away on a high powered enemy to put them down, flying over an enemy and gunning him down from above his head or just shotgunning (is that a word? probably not) some smegger who has just leaped out in front of you I really can't explain how great the gun play is without you playing it. It's like Halo meets COD meets Bulletstorm. Not just the guns though, there's a vehicle ready to spawn between your legs (oo-er missus) whenever you want, you have a jet pack that can give you the ability to make some serious distance off the floor and you're chocked full of different specials. Now, I only played through as the Titan class, and as I have said many times before, I don't do games twice, so that's all I'll ever be, but speaking from this experience you can get a ground thump that blows away anything near, a huge running punch that makes you feel like a bad ass when it connects (especially if you're running head on in to a guy shooting at you, you're about to die but just before he can fire that last bullet you punch him 10 feet in to the air and you can just stand there and be all like 'yeah' *nod to yourself*) and multiple types of rechargeable grenades. There's plenty of motivation to get levelled up to level 20 as well (I know I said that 30 was the level cap before but between 20-30 you level up in a non-traditional way where better armour gives you more 'light' and this levels you up somehow) as you unlock abilities that makes these special moves even better (note, after you get past level 20, you still seem to gain xp to level these things up independently of what it says your level is, so the way I see it, after level 20 doesn't really tell you who has the best character, just who has been committed/lucky enough to get the good loot drops).
   This game is supposed to be here to stay, and there certainly seems to be a fan base committed to doing this and fair play to them. I'm not saying I won't play it again, I might jump on line with some friends and do a co=op strike or some PvP again but I'm not going to spend 100 hours playing it in attempt to complete the raid of glass (look it up).
   So a score? lets go 7/10. It may have been higher had it not been made out to be the most anticipated thing in the history of anything and maybe it's unfair to lower the score of a game based on hype and not just it's merits. However I disagree. This one was supposed to be one for the ages but turned out to be merely good. Still, there's life signs here and if they really want to build a new franchise out of this game they could have done a lot worse than this to have started it, it's definitely got a chance to 'do an assassins creed' (news that Alberto Del Rio is sure to appreciate). Good luck to them and I'll see Bungie for Destiny 2.

Toot Toot.

Indie Watch: Super Time Force

   Before I got started on this whole winter of games thing I wanted to make sure I could write a review that wasn't just a spoiler-filled walk through of the plot, thus ruining the game for anyone who read it. That isn't to say that's why I played this game, I just thought of doing this as a trial run when I was already deep in to the game. The real reason I played it was because it was on the 'games with gold' deal that Xbox offers where they offer you a free game a few free games a month if you've got a gold subscription. I didn't have much to do yesterday so i figured I'd give it a whirl, after all I'd heard many good things about it.
   So, it's an old style platform shooter, think Metroid, Mega man or kid Chameleon. That's quite a standard to live u to, but in it's own way, it does. The twist here is that you can go backwards in time, at your own will or when you die and go back and help yourself while the ghost of your yet to die future self still fights on until he meets his demise. This is where it gets more complicated (well, it sounds complicated but it all makes sense when you play it).
   Okay, first I'll point out that there's multiple characters (more on that later) with their own specific skill set. The trick is to use the ability to have many of yourself on the screen combined with their individual skill sets to get through sections in the fastest time possible (there's a level timer by the way (more on that later too)). You get the added bonus that if you defeat whatever killed one of your former selves before he is able to do 'em in then you can collect them as sort of a 'second heart' if you catch my twist with the added bonus that their weapons combine with your current ones while you have this added protection, allowing you yo do extra damage. Get it? Got it? Good.

   As you can see it's not the greatest looking game, but it's supposed to be that way with indie gaming breeding almost a retro revolution as in general indie studios could by now way keep up financially with the big publisher owned studios, so making them look like this is in their best interest as if they challenged them to a war of graphics or deep gameplay mechanics they would lose due to massive budget differences (that said Hello games look like they're going for it with the game that will probably make me buy a PS4 in No Mans Sky). As a gamer bought up mainly on the Mega Drive I have no problem with this, but I do at times wonder what younger gamers think of these kind of titles.
   As I mentioned earlier there is a level timer, and this wound me up to no end at the start and nearly led to more broken-controller syndrome that I've suffered so many times before. I thought I couldn't carry on, but I forced my way through (I didn't really have anything to do yesterday afternoon) and I'm glad I did.The times is integral to the game, without it you could take your time and it would be so easy, but the urgency that the timer gives the game make it far more action orientated and manic which leads to that much more fun. There are collectibles and unlockable characters throughout the levels as well, and even though I did get all the characters (that you can find), I'm not one for meaningless collectibles (even if they do come with delicious achievement points AND more unlockable characters). Plus when you finish it there's an ultra hard mode (or something like that, I didn't bother as I'm not one for playing games twice (as you will notice in the winter games coming up when I don't play GTA V or the Master Chief collection)) so there is plenty for you to do in this game, if you want it.
   The story is loose but fun, and the whole game is based on reference based comedy which you may have noticed by now is something I enjoy. Characters are named things like 'Melanie Gibson' (a woman) and Dolphin Lungren (a dolphin). As you can guess a lot of these references are to action films, but classics so it's fine. Every level starts with a pun about what day and time of day it is and your ship crushing some poor defenceless type. There's a repetitious style of comedy in this (at times) which is heavily featured in the final cut scene and if your a fan of Stewart Lee (or the many, many other comedians/ Comedy shows of the same style who I forget) then it's right down your comedy-bone-alley.
   So, you travel through time fun inane reasons which keeps it fresh as your always in some crazy location with some ridiculous enemies and in a great touch, aside from the first and last levels, you can play them in whatever order you want (and re-visit old levels for collectibles you missed and etc.) which is a nice touch that just doesn't happen very much. This makes you feel like there's no real advance in difficulty, and that's probably true. If anything the game gets easier as you get more of an idea what you're doing and eventually start figuring out how to use the time differences to your advantage and not just using it like a quick re spawn on any other platformer (which was how I was doing it at first, probably hence why I got so annoyed), and you had better get used to it by the time you get to the last world/zone/set of levels.

   Oh right, I never mentioned how it played. Well, perfectly well, it's hardly the greatest gameplay style ever made, I mean, it could let you control your aiming with the right stick or shoulder buttons or something as well as letting you duck (which I kept trying to do and forgetting you couldn't) would be nice. It's good though, and it's more of a way to get you to play this insane game that's brilliant and insane in it's execution. Some great ideas were put in to this game and  at times you feel like it's just a pubes' width from brilliance and if there was to ever be a sequel it would probably be a 'home run' as the Americans would say.
   I don't want to do a score, read it for yourself and figure out if you want it (pretty sure there'll be you tube videos too). It's £11.99 on Xbox one, 360 and Steam (Steam's has extra content too) so you're hardly forking out a fortune, plus, if you have an Xbox One (who doesn't after all...) it's free with Gold until the end of September.

So, I know this wasn't my usual standard of hilarious, but I'll try better in the game I'm 'Destined' (wink) to play next.

The Walking Dead (the game) season 2 finale

Spoilers are coming, so I'll drop in a picture so you don't accidentally see it without scrolling down

   There, aren't I nice, don't let any bastards tell you otherwise. So, Oh My God, I killed Kenny!? Apparently I could've not done so, but he had become a jerk anyway, just because he lost his son, woman and eye, sheesh, get over it.
   Lets cover what had already happened in the season then. After Lee's death, you meet a new group who are trying to get away from some evil leader guy named Carver. You find Kenny and co, then get Captured by Carver. You kill him and escape, shoot some Russian and lots of people die in the process.
   So, this episode starts with the slaughter of the Russians, helped by Jane's timely return to knife one in the neck. That leaves just the Russian bait left. Needless to say I wanted to kill the dick, as did Kenny but everyone else was too nice, and he said he had shelter to take us to, so yeah, let's just go with the guy who tried to have us all killed why not? So they do, but Kenny is pissed, rightly so, because I am too. So, we find it's really far away and have to stop a night at a power station (as you do) where we see that Jane and Luke are in love just cause they had sex 1 time for 10 minutes, because that's definitely how love works. Jane is a bad ass though so won't admit her feelings while Bonnie tells Luke how hot he is, and You (as Clem) have an option to say this too, but even with my own warped mind I couldn't go down some paedophilia route, no siree, I'll just stick to getting the small child drunk and smoking thank you very much. Meanwhile, Kenn is looking after the baby, named 'Alvin Junior' after who may have been his Dad (can't remember if it was ever confirmed or not) seeing as he had to shoot it's zombie Mum. He's getting far to protective of 'AJ' (what a cliched name, urgh) due to the stuff I mentioned earlier and it gets a bit creeps that he seems to protect this kid like his own while simultaneously hating everyone else and losing his marbles. Meanwhile, Arvo (the Russian knob (BTW, I'm not saying all Russians are knobs (I'm not WWE), I'm sure the overwhelming majority are nice, but this one is) doesn't want anything to do with the group. \probably has something to do with us slaughtering his group, but they started it.
   So, next day we carry on to this house, but oh no! It's across a frozen lake. So, instead of walking around it like a sensible person would do, they decide to go slowly, one at a time. However, by slowly one at a time, they mean slowly, 2 feet away from each other (idiots). That's when some zombie scum start coming after you, an those fools don't know to walk carefully, and they keep falling in like the bunch of mugs they are. But then the ice cracks underneath Luke (Also, he got shot earlier, so his walking isn't so great), so he looks pretty screwed, but I go to rescue him anyway, fall in, he saves me but wounds up getting drowned while Clem escapes (thankfully this all happened under the ice so no one knows it's your fault, as ever) for the first of many sad moments in the game.
   Anyway, forget him, he's dead, he's hardly the first, despite the fact Clem had a childhood crush on him. So, you make it in to the cabin, which turns out to be a dump with 2 tins of chili in it (hardly the bounty promised), which, combined with Luke's death pushes Kenny over the edge and he lays a smackdown on Arvo (that's the Russian kids name) that everyone is disgusted at, except me, I wanted to kill him right off the bat. So, he sees the mercilessness in my eyes and decides to hate me, so the feeling mutual now.

   Kenny decides to fix up some truck now, and being the only person who is still his friend (apart from a 2 day old baby) and doesn't think he's crazy for wanting to kill the kid who wanted us dead (even though there are mounting other reasons that he's becoming a nutter)  I have to go and help him. After a while it's fixed, an after some calming him down, Kenny agrees to wait until morning to leave, and they can argue about the location then.
   Shocker though, Bonnie, Arvo and that other guy who's so unimportant I can't even be bothered to look up his name get up in the night an go to steal the truck and escape, Arvo shoots Clem in the shoulder an she blacks out. Sad moment number 2 now as there's a flashback to season 1 when you're having a nice chat with Lee about how to kill Kenny's zombie infested son (I guess you have to play it yourself to make it sad). You awake in the back of the car with Kenny, Jane and the Baby speeding off down the highway. God I hope they killed those back-stabbing arseholes. Of course argument ensues, Kenny being a mentalist and Jane being a bad ass no-shit taker there was always going to be a clash of personalities and Kenny's weird love for this baby isn't helping. So, they argue over where to go but as they're about to come to blows (sensible while driving) they come to a bunch of cars, which Kenny decides to look for some gas in. It's filled with Zombies though, and there's lots of snow, and you all get split up. After you wander around aimlessly for a while, headshotting some zombie scum you come to a rest stop and find Kenny. Then Jane arrives, baby less (she had the baby last). Kenny loses it, blaming her, and they begin their always inevitable fight to the death.
   Now, I've read that there are 3 multiple endings from here, so I'm not even sure how season 3 is going to work, but I'm just going to go through what I chose. So, I shoot Kenny because he's insane, and, sad moment number 3, he thanks you for doing it as he'd gone nuts. Then Jane shows you she'd hid AJ to prove that Kenny was crazy, so basically you'd just shot your oldest living friend cause this bitch wanted to prove a point. So, do you shun her or forgive her? Under most circumstances I'd shun her, but, as she's a badass I thought it best to forgive her as she could protect me from the horrors whereas what choice are you going to have alone? So, we head to Carver's now abandoned camp full of bodies and set up home there, an start to build a new community and invite some dodgy looking other survivors to join us.
   So yeah, it was a really good ending. This season was obviously a step down from season 1, but it was still good and had a great final part with tears all over the shop, If you haven't played any of it, play it (though I will have just ruined it for you).

Something for you all to look forward to then. It's that time of the year again when all the games come out (bloody Christmas) so I'll be trying to get through them at some speed (or at least give them a go) so that I can tell all you super interested people just what tiny gripes I have with them and, if you're lucky I might tell you if they're any good to. The question is, which one am I looking forward to the most, hmm?

 

Strike suit zero review

   It's free on Xbox one (or Xbone if you will) on games with gold this month (although there's only a handful of days left, but it's taken a lot longer than I planned for reasons I'll explain later) and this is advice as to whether to give it a go or not.
   The answer is no. Good god this is the most outdated and boring game I've played in so long. It seems like a PS1 game (though to be fair it's got PS2 level graphics) and one of those bad copies of X-Wing vs. Tie-Fighter. Yes, it's one of those space battle games where you fly around shooting enemy spaceships and boss type bigger space ships. This need not be necessarily bad that is a space Battle game (well, that's what I thought going in) however this type of game's time is gone. It's on top a more 2D style of space battle now, Like geometry wars or Stardust. If you look back at the Mega Drive/ SNES era you may remember games like Defender and Truxton and even further back the likes of Asteroids and Galaga and I have to ask why anyone decided they needed to make this type if game 3D. I imagine it's probably got something to do with the jump to PS1 when games could start to handle 3D games, so of course everything had to be in 3D from then on (for a while anyway). Unfortunately they should have given up by now and jumped back to the 2D style like so many other great games that have arrived in the last few years but they decided to give a shot at this old type game and it was a terrible decision.

   The added hook on this game is that you can transform in to some type of Space mech and float around with the ability to shoot more missiles and better powered laser guns than when you're in normal flying around mode. What I don't understand is as it is the same ship (and as you can see from the picture above, it just looks like a mech lying forward) why when it's in mech mode would the weapons be better? It's a question to make even Michael Bay scratch his head.
   So, the story as well is not necessarily bad but told extremely slowly. Basically Earth has spread colonies across the galaxy, and these colonies got angry with Earth for trying to control them and not letting them take care of themselves (or is that from Babylon 5?), some debate was had, people got mad and war were declared. You fight on the side of Earth to take down these damn freedom fighters who want to be free, but screw 'em ay? Damn lousy colonists wanting to get their own ideas, do what we say arseholes. The story is also dragged out for ages with stops about every 10 minutes in the game for 2 or 3 minutes of talking about how enemies are coming, then after being told they're coming eventually they do. Thanks for that.
   I may not be the best person to review it as I have actually only played 3 levels of 12 in one of 2 game modes but it seemed like enough. I played the first couple of levels and it was obvious it was boring, but they were short, so I kind of thought if I did about 15 minutes every few days I could force my way through it. Then I got to level 3, and it took about an hour! I wish I could get my time back, hell, I died about 10 minutes in and had to restart back at the last checkpoint or quit and start it again later and i figured that I'd already nearly finished it so I may as well push on but I was left with egg on my face (actually, I was alone so there was no one to see my foolish error so I guess there wasn't really any egg after all).
   Never mind, I have decided not to go back to it now and I'll be happier for it (though it may irk me that I couldn't get through it). So I guess as a score probably 2/10. It got a 2 rather than a 1 or 0 (a debate whether a lowest score can actually be a 0 or if it's a 1 will be saved for another time) is that there is nothing broken with it and it works, it's just boring as all hell.

The Island

   Part 2 in the films watched while drunk is a film that I've watched based on IGN's recommendation that Scar-Jo (a pet name that I've adopted for Scalett Johansonn (yet far from innovated) in the highly likely event that I'll meet her and she'll be so enamoured by it that she'll fall in love with me) wears a sexy cat suit (it's a bit of a let down as she changes after an hour (BTW, this s an action film that clocks in at 2:10, a bit much perhaps?). Now, I'll be the first to admit this is hardly the 'film of our age' that Spiceworld was and will probably not garner as much positive feedback but I anticipate it being stupid enough with enough references to other things, ruined jokes and stupid comments to be just as entertaining as my review of Spiceworld. A second thing I'd like to point out is that I'm considerably less alchohol infused right now as when I watched/ wrote about Spiceworld as even though I'm six pints deep, they were all consumed before hand (a story Pete-Roth (the same goes for Peter Rothery as Scarlett Johansonn) and I've been drinking tea throughout the films (excessively long) duration. Also, this isn't so much of a review as a run through of the plot with comments on the film throughout.

   Yes, as you can see, this film also starts Obi-Wan Kenobi himself, Ewan Mcgregor as the lead playing Lincoln Echo Six wile Scar-Jo portrays Jordan two Alpha. It starts off innocently enough (if you ignore Obi-Wan's nightmare) as a group of survivors of some plague that has wiped out the human race being looked after in a facility, all waiting to win a lottery to be led to the only non-contaminated place left on Earth, 'the island' (I think this maybe where the film got it's name). Flashing in product placement from Puma and Xbox, the first problem in the film is when Obi-One doesn't get bacon for breakfast (shocking) while his BFF Rebbecca gets it after being nice (bitch!). They're led in a living style that reminds me of that episode of black mirror with the guy in the complex who lives in a complex having to do exercise and stuff while the fatties are forced to look after them and they're all trying to get on X Factor to to spice up they're boring lives (you know the one I mean) by (shockingly) having to do exercises, eating healthy and doing readings from the script of third rock from the sun (well, the 2 characters in the reading are called Dick and Sally and off the top of my head I can't think of another literary work that they're both leads in (not that I'm an expert on literature (plus the nature of 3rd rock from the sun that could easily be that they got those names from a well known book))). They're also forced to do some lame job studying chemicals or something.
   Obi-Juan's crazy nightmare's lead him to have to meet with the institute overlord (a guy whose name I can't remember and actor I don't know and can't be bothered to look up but he reminds me of William Regal and therefore will be refereed to throughout) who puts some bugs in his eye to give him a brain scan that comes out in his urine somehow and shows the first tech of the future (it's made in 2005 and set in 2019) by having some giant tablet computer for a desk and touch-screen sliding a virtual writing pad over to him and handing his a DS stylus to draw a nice picture of a boat on it for him.
   So back to work he goes and he endures the boring work whilst being sheered up by his friend (Neelix!) and later going to meet one of the institute scientists Steve Buscemi for a secret chat (not about anything important mind (though it's still super secret)) and sharing his secret stash of booze that he accumulated before the contamination. Hmm, something smells fishy (and it's not just my underwear). That's when he catches a moth, and a big one at that (not the monster we recently had in this flat mind, that thing was crazy big), and how would a moth get in when the world outside was contaminated.
   When they're out at the local institute nightclub later Charlotte gets her lucky lottery call, but while Obi-wan Shinobi sleeps and has the nightmare again he suspects something is going on and decides to climb a random ladder an finds out the truth when he sees some of the former lottery winners not in fact delivered to an island but being harvested to for organs. William Regal has screwed them over more that he did with Paul Burchill when he became a pirate. Anyway, he waits until the morning when everyone wakes up (as you do in these situations) and goes to rescue the big winner from her certain organ harvesting fate, breaking out of the complex, through the conveniently dilapidated barbed wire fence and into the safety of a desert where (as if he hadn't already figured) he sees a snake living freely, which tells him that anything can live out there. I suppose you could call it a 'snake on a plain' (ha ha ha).
   Steve Buscemi conveniently drives past on his 'hog; then and conveniently drops one of those match packs you only ever see in American movies that tells him excatly where he'll be. This leads him to some biker dive bar ('cause they'd have their own branded matches of course) where the 'holarious' show that they don't understand the real world comes in force, what's a 'can' and why's he taking a 'dump' in it, haha John-Obi-Won Mikel (it should be pointed out that Regal had mentioned in passing that when he learned of their escape (BTW, he learned of it and sent a special group of mercenaries led by a black (not the A-Team) Frenchman after them. Who'd trust a mercenary group led by a cheese eating surrender monkey (that's not a racist joke, it's a Black Adder joke (also not racist but the name of a show)) is beyond me, but Regal did). Anyway, Buscemi, besides the fact his job, and probably life is on the line by helping them handily takes him back to his house, explains that they're clones made to harvest organs or give birth or whatever for their rich creators and are being told a pack of lies to stop them going nuts. That's when Nola Rice unfortunately takes off her skimpy cat suit (that part isn't shown) and replaces it with some less conspicuous clothes unknowingly given to her by Buscemi's stupid hick girlfriend (more hilarious 'doesn't understand the world gags as Anna marks wants to put on nurses outfit lingerie (hahaha again)). Meanwhile we see Regal showing off the company to potential investors and/or clients (this is never made clear, not that it really matters) that they in fact make weird organ sacks for them and not living breathing clones as that would be a bit of a turnoff to them (apparently that didn't work in RL (movie RL) though, and employing hundreds of supervisors and other staff to loo after thousands of clones was easier (I should also point out that Obi-wan (I ran out of silly alternative names for him) discovered (well, we discovered by way of him as I'm not really sure he figured it out as he's have had to have x-ray vision to do so) that his menial mineral job was actually keeping the pod people alive and well (clones to be kept in waiting and being brainwashed while they wait for the population of the clone centre to die down (convenient no-one questions how they keep finding more 'survivors of the contamination and no-one really questions it (well, Gandu 3-echo does (as portrayed by Brian Stepanek (apparently best known for his role in 'the suite life of Zack and Cody) but he's swiftly put t death by Regal (hang on a minute, Regal is Sean Bean! (interesting fact, Sean Bean has the exact birthday as my Dad, same year as him and everything (or is that interesting?)). Christ how many brackets is this, I'll just put 3 to close and if it's wrong it's wrong))).
   What was I talking about again, oh yeah, The Island (I actually knew that all along but it seemed like a chance to insert an hilarious gag whilst also making you think that I'd lost my train of thought when really I'm way too smart for that). So, Buscemi discovers that \Obi-Won's (again, ran out of funny alterior names) client lives in LA, so he gets them a couple of train tickets to go there and meet their (well, his) literal maker, but Buscemi makes the foolish error of going off to a map. That's when the French army roll in (they're not really the French army, just led by a Frenchman. Also, as previously mentioned, just a gang of mercenaries (or 'soldiers of fortune if you will)), shoot up the place, kill Buscemi but miss out on Obi-Won )again, no more gags) and Natasha Romanov as they hop on the excessively giant future train (keeping with the Star Wars motif, it kind of reminds me of one of those Jawa trucks) that, although is a hover train, still run of tracks (no pictures on Google to show you sadly (well, not near the top and I'll be damned if I'm scrolling down the page for 5 minutes to show you some terrible quality thumb nail to the handful of people who will get the Jawa reference, look it up your damned selves)).
   Just went for a cigarette break there (no mum, I promise I don't smoke, it's just that I went out with my friends last night so if I smell of fags it's all their fault) so I may have lost my train of thought. Right, they get to L.A. (where we see that this film has predicted that MSN search, and not in fact Google will be that main Internet search engine in 2019 (though we still have 5 years, so i guess you'll never know (though I'll hazard a guess you'll get pretty good odds at the bookies))) when the French brigade hires the help of the infamous LA PD to track them down for the murder of Steve Buscemi (liars, it was them!), the LAPD grabs them ans arrests them, when suddenly old Frenchie realises that in fact they don't want them arrested but killed so the truth doesn't come out so wipes out the cop car in his armoured van (why even enlist the bloody police then?) and begins a pig shoot out with the coppers wile Obi-Wan (again, ran out of gags there) and The Black Widow sneak out the side and escape (it should be mentioned that Obi-Wan (remember, I ran put of gags) sneakily managed to see where his unwitting Creator lived while in the cop car) but not for long! They hop on the back of the truck and begin a high speed chase throwing dumbbell like big metal things at the Frenchies off the back of the truck while they're being shot at. This bit kind of reminds me of the only good bit in The Matrix 2 (or whatever it's subtitle was) with the chase on the motorway and it's a fun action sequence (both of them that is (but I'm more talking about the island, not The Matrix reloaded (I looked it up on Wikipedia now))).

Oh yeah, take that Frenchie (actually, i think this pictures from the wrong scene and is from  (spoilers!) a scene yet to come.

      So, they get to the real Ewan Mcgregors house (though that's not his name in this film, missing a fun moment of potential meta filming) where he speaks in a Scottish accent (and says 'wanker' (I love how this is just a quaint British word over in the US but over here it's actually quite offensive, if Trainspotting taught Obi-wan (no more jokes here remember)  anything it should be to avoid it (actually, I don't remember that film as I watched it so long ago, hell, the moral of the film may have been to call everyone wankers)). So, he hits on Barbara Sugarman (good man, I would too (though far less successfully than him (not that he gets anywhere, it's just that I'd no doubt lose her interest after about 2 seconds)) while Obi=Wan gets changed (again, no gags, also, I'll refer to Lincoln Six echo as Obi-Wan (no gags) and the real Lincoln (see, they give them the same first names in the institute so it's easy to remember) as Ewan McGregor. So, the McGregor twins hatch a plot to go on NBC news and tell the world (well, the ones that watch that particular news broadcast at that particular moment) the truth. But secretly, Ewan rings the institute and is all like 'WTF' and he grasses them up and sets a trap so the Frenchies can catch them. Laura though figures out McGregors lying eyes (as she got so used to them after knowing Obi-Wan (out of funny names remember) for so long in the institute, and as they're clones have the same mannerisms (is that a real thing? I guess you'd have to ask the hilariously named 'Gene' the cow (not that you could because cows don't speak (though who knows with clones, it's already a crime against God Dammit!))). So Obi-wan (no jokes here) smartly leaves Lucy in the house while he and Ewan go on a fun car ride to NBC news (ha, sucker). Ashley Parker (i was going in chronological order with the Scar-Jo movie character names but used her name too many times and ran out of the films I've actually seen so had to refer to her Eight legged freaks character name (or have i seen that?). I considered not mentioning her by name again but she seemed too integral to the plot for that). So, Ewan pulls the gun while the Frenchies try to take Obi-Wan (gagless) out, shooting Ewan's super pricey car in the process (ooh, he's mad), but Obi-Wan (you know the drill by now surely) reveres it on him and drives them into a car park for the inevitable face off (no Travolta or Nicholson here though) (BTW, Ewan conveniently wears glasses so you can tell them apart (the same reason Nikki Bella got breast implants)). This of course leads to the old confusion moment where Ewan loses his glasses and they both have to convince ol' Frenchie that they're the the real Eawn McGregor and not the terrible Obi-Wan (burn on Star Wars (also, not name joke)). Naturally, he shoots the wrong Wan (haha) but he's convinced by some fine Obi-Wan (you get the joke now, right?) acting that he made the right choice (or maybe it was a Jedi mind trick, hmm... (wait, 'Jedi' isn't in this spell check dictionary? what kind of spell check is this anyway!?).
   So, he goes back to Ewan's house to steal his life, boat and run escape with the girl, but is contacted by the institute to tell him he needs to come in for a new clone (remember, they think Obi-wan (nothing) is the real Ewan McGregor), but also tell him that generations of clone are being wiped out (oh yeah, after doing those scans on Obi-Wan (nope), The father birthday matcher (inevitably the bad guy 'cause he's English (did I mention that already, God knows by this pin))  finds out that the Echo series of clones, and all since get some kind of memories from their client (or are the clones the clients, which way round would that work?) and is causing them to figure out some stuff, hence the nightmare Ob-Wan (-) was having at the starts. How they got his urine from the Biker bar urinal I'll never know) so he knows they have to do something about it.
   So, Obi-wan (nada) goes back to get cloned while Mindy hands herself over to get harvested so they can get back in the facility. Frenchie picks her up while Obi-wan (let' not bother) gets a private helicopter, door to door service (nice). Meanwhile, at the facility, Neelix and crew all conveniently win the lottery and head in to a massive success/slaughter in high spirits

   So, Obi-wan (non (that was supposed to be a Latin translation of 'no' but turned out pretty disappointing if you ask me (I guess the impact was 'Lost in Translation'...)) gets told his re-clone will be free of charge (you'd flippin' well hope so as his clone escaped, by no fault of his own and tried to kill him! (actually, he did kill him but remember, the institute currently thinks he's the real Ewan) and gets led by some loud mouth knobber to the big photocopier while various voices is taken to be harvested like a field of beets. At the same time, Beany Tell Froggy that the real Scar-Jo will probably die anyway by now as he was too slow and her brain is screwed, but she'll get harvested anyway because 'that's what their clients pay for'. Needless to sat Frenchie isn't impressed, and he's already been paid, so inevitably he twists the plot upside down to save Mary Boleyn and save the rescue the other clones from the Nazi style gas chamber by gunning all the real humans down. You could say it's an Attack of the Clones...
   Meanwhile, Obi-Wan (NO) goes off to rescue the pod people and comes face to face with the Beanster, and of course, kills him, all the clones escape, the heroes and the Frenchie save Neelix, and the day and everyone goes home happy. You could say Obi-Won (I've been saving that!).






   Oh wait, this is supposed to be a review! I'll give it like a 6.5/10. It's a fun movie but don't go out of your way to watch. But if you do you'll enjoy it enough to not turn it off (as long at you ignore the crazy 2:10 running time).